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Why This Year is Hard for Me

I feel like I've been struggling lately, and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why. Things are going pretty well; I've accomplished a lot this year and I am finally figuring out what I want to do with my life. So why do I feel so emotional and overwhelmed?

After much pondering and trying to "snap out of it". I think I finally found my answer. My daughter is turning nine years old next month and she just started third grade. Although time is going by fast and it's like I blinked and she turned nine, it doesn't really have to do with her.

Nine was the age when my life changed dramatically. It was the age when my parents divorced, I moved and started a new school, and I began to get picked on. I had gained weight, didn't have a mother to guide me through life, and I didn't know anyone. I remember feeling lost and sad a lot. I didn't fully understand why my mom left and I was embarrassed that she wasn't there anymore. It seemed like I was the only one who didn't' have a mother in their life. It was a tough pill to swallow.

I remember nine as being the transitional age where I wanted to dress more grown up, and I started to notice boys. I had long hair, and I didn't know how to brush it correctly so it would get tangled. I had a huge knot in my hair, but honestly, I didn't even notice. My mom had always brushed my hair before. I can remember the starting signs of puberty in the years that followed. I didn't have anyone to talk to and I had to figure it all out for myself.

Nine was one of the hardest years of my life. As my daughter reaches that age, I feel pressure to make it better for her. I never want her to feel the way I did. I want her to feel comfortable coming to me to talk about anything and everything she is going through. I know that things are different with us, and we have a good relationship. I shouldn't worry, but that is always easier said than done. I share this with everyone because I know that sometimes things get hard for reasons that we can't explain. Something inside of us is triggered, our inner child cries out and we have to take the time to stop and listen. Listen to our heart and find out what is going on. Don't be ashamed of the feelings that arise. Acknowledge those feelings, give them a voice and let that little girl know that everything is alright now. We are alright now, and she can rest. Listen and love your inner child in the way you wish someone would have done when she needed it most.



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