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The Pain My Weight Holds


As I'm, once again, embarking on my health and weightloss journey, I'm hoping this will be my final battle. I'm hoping I will be victorious and win this war against my fat and the fears that got me here.


I would be naïve to think that a healthier diet and exercise will solve all of my problems. As I said, this isn't my first fight in this war. I have been fighting this battle most of my life. So this time I have done some healing and I'm changing my approach.


As I look at myself in the mirror these days, it's like I'm seeing myself for the first time. I've slowly been pulling away the layers of self-doubt and hate that I allowed others to fill me with. I'm appreciating my body and myself for who I am, and for how much I've overcome.


When I see the fat on my stomach, I am reminded of the people who made me believe my self worth was stored in that fat. The boy who asked me if I was pregnant at the age of nine, my sister and grandmother who said I was fat, lazy, and ugly. I'm reminded of the boys who couldn't see me as more than a friend because my weight made me ugly. I think of all the clothes I didn’t think I could wear because I didn’t fit the idea of beauty.


My fat stomach reminds me of the boy who told me I was too fat to ride a bike. It reminds me of the laughs I got when I participated in sports and exercise routines in school. My fat was there when my mom would put me on a diet and exercise routine every time I visited her.


Food was always there to comfort me when I was sad and alone. For a while food was scarce in our house though, so once I could afford it on my own I wanted to try everything I was never given.


I wasn't taught about nutrition or how to cook nutrient rich foods. I was taught to walk, exercise, and degrade myself for gaining weight. I was taught that beauty came with the size of your clothes. I was told that beauty was something I would never achieve.


This time it's different though. I now know that beauty comes from the I side and I had it all along. I see my body as a beautiful vessel that grew and birthed my daughter. I see just how amazing and strong my body has always been.


I see the pain my fat has endured and I have love and sorrow for its pain. I see food as a fuel and don't use it as a comfort. I see the errors in the way I was taught and I am working not to pass it on to my daughter.


This battle is different because this one is being faught with love and understanding. I have already won this war because I have found myself. It was never about the weight. It was always about control, fear, and jealousy. I've won the war because I found peace within.

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