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How I Became a Parent Without a Role Model

I waited until my thirties to become a mother. I had made so many excuses as to why I was waiting, some that even I believed. I would say my husband and I were doing us first; we were getting our partying out, we were waiting until we had enough money, or even that we weren’t sure we wanted to have kids. The truth was, I was terrified. I didn’t have good parental role models, so I had no idea how to be a “good parent”.

I didn’t want to have a child that grew up and needed to heal from their childhood trauma, like me. I didn’t want to “mess” anyone up. I wasn’t sure I had what it took to be a mom.

I was dealing with my own healing; would it be fair to bring a child into my unsure world? This was a question that had me frozen for a long time. Then, one day my thoughts changed. I couldn’t see my life without a child, and I had so much love to give.

I knew in my heart that my child and I could help each other. I didn’t need to be healed because that day may never come. The fact that I wanted to do better already made me different from my parents. My child would be loved by two parents who wanted the best for them. That would be enough to start, and we would figure it out from there.

You Can Heal as You Raise Your Child

It is possible to heal as you raise your children, and to be a “good parent” while doing so. It’s a good opportunity to teach your child about empathy, emotions and boundaries. In my case, I found that some abuse I was still dealing with and allowing, I found unacceptable for my child. This revelation helped me to set boundaries for myself and my family. We cut harmful people out of our lives and my child knows that we do not have to allow hurtful people in our lives, family or not. I grew up with hurtful family members and every time I would talk to my parents about those family members, I was told "that's just how they are, ignore them". I have decided that mentality will not be present in my life going forward, I will not force anyone to change who they are, but I will not have those people in my life. I now know I deserve better, and I won't settle for less than I deserve.

You Can Overcome the Trauma

For anyone out there that is questioning their abilities or healing journey, do what is best for you. For too long you have done what others say you are capable of. You will find out that you are capable of so much more once you believe in yourself! Take it one step at a time and figure it out as you go, I can assure you that no one knows what they are doing one hundred percent of the time. Each family and child are different, and you will know what is best for you all once you're in the moment. Don't let your fears stop you from achieving your dreams.



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